Post the Thirty-Seventh “Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics”

What the hell happened to the American Dad? All of a sudden we’ve all gone from “Daddy Knows Best” to these Neanderthal acting ass farts that can’t figure out or won’t figure out how a diaper works! Why? Where the hell did this all go wrong?

I love being a dad. I love that my girls fight for my attention. I love that the boy and I “camp out” on the couch every few weeks on a Saturday night. I love those things. I love being actively engaged in my children’s life.

But thats not what you see on TV. Its not portrayed that way online, and if you read the more modern sites like Gawker’s Jezebel, shit, we’re not even needed in the parental equation anymore because clearly, we’re too fucking stupid!

Modern media treats us as basically absentee landlords of our children…sure we “own” them, but we’re incapable of handling even the most mundane of tasks regarding them. Diapers? Can’t change those, don’t know how.  Baby Teething? Well, thats what you have Super Mommy and her mother, Super Nagging Mommy for! Super Mommy somehow holds down a job, feeds the kids, cleans the house, and cooks for everyone because Daddy Dipshit can’t turn on the stove to boil water without burning down the house! Want proof of this, look no further than the late 80’s, it started with Al Bundy and goes all the way up to the dad on Wizards of Waverly Place.  Ok, Al Bundy wasn’t a well meaning idiot, he was just an idiot. But, the dad on Waverly, actually, any one of the stock Disney Tween sitcoms Dad’s will do, he’s a nice guy. He’s caring, loving, all around nice guy! But he’s also a bumbling fucking incompetent schmuck and Disney makes it out that this is normal!  Daughter’s running around doing whatever she likes, treating everyone with the same amount of disdain you might give the late Saddam Hussein, screws up habitually, usually at the 16 minute mark into the show, and the Pappa? He don’t know nothin till she confesses.


I’ve been a Dad for almost 13 years now. I know everything. I have eyes and ears everywhere. I can look at one of my brood and in a second determine their state of being. Hungry, Sad, Mad, Glad, Sister took the remote away, Brother won’t share the couch, Mommy is making me clean my room, member of boy band getting married, member of boy band getting married to his boyfriend..etc..

I see everything.

I was present when all three of my children were born. I cut the umbilical all three times. I’ve made the midnight bottles. I’ve been puked on, spit on, pooped on. I can still put a diaper on an infant using one hand only. I am not that guy on TV.  Oh and damn skippy I know how to use a stove!

My friends that are Dads, can and have done, all that stuff too. So where the hell is the media getting the idea we’re all knuckleheads?

I read a thing Clorox of all companies put out:

6 mistakes new dads make

Saying ‘No-no’ is not just for baby. Like dogs or other house pets, new Dads are filled with good intentions but lacking the judgment and fine motor skills to execute well. Here are a few dangerous no-nos new Dads might make, and some training tips.

1. Forgetting weather gear: About 10 minutes into a cold, brisk, rain-soaked stroller walk he might ask himself ‘why is this baby crying so much?’ Then, he might notice the short-sleeved summer onesie Li’l Peach is dressed in and it might dawn on him to bundle that baby.

2. Backwards clothes: Ok, so the clothes might be clean. But is it baby’s jumper fitting oddly? he might notice but he’ll probably think it’s just the style the kids are all wearing. Better educate him that for safety purposes, hip-hop fashions should wait a couple of years.

3. Inappropriate screen time: Does an infant really need to watch reality shows? For that matter, does anyone? Prudence won’t stop Daddy from relaxing with a brew and blaring inappropriate shows while baby stares in horror/awe/wonder at the colorful moving yell-box. Tell Dad to embrace parental sacrifice and crack a book.

4. Forgetting to wipe (face): Baby can’t be blamed for eating like a spastic Harlem Shake dancer. But Dad can be blamed for not noticing the caked-on layer of dried yellowish crust (applesauce? sweet potato? Play-Doh?) surrounding Baby’s mouth and spattered baby food onto her bib.

5. Letting baby eat off floor: If a toy or bit of dried food falls onto the floor, it should really be washed off before baby puts it in his mouth. If Dad is the type to eat food off the floor himself, you have your work cut out for you. At least get him to enforce a 5-second rule.

6. Casino: Some new dads have been inspired by raunchy comedies to bring babies to inappropriate places like casinos, pool halls, and poetry readings. None of these places are healthy for baby. If Dad needs persuading, just tell him that babies are terrible tippers and can never make bank shots.

Hopefully, your new Dad will learn to exercise good judgment in time for baby 2.

Uh Really?

Fuck it, since we’re all up in arms that some idiot southern woman on TV said *nigger, 30 years ago, lets replace “New Dad” with the ethnicity of your choice….anyone smell lawsuit??? ACLU would be salivating over that!  *(ed note: I refuse to alter my language in an effort to not insult you, because, I believe that by doing so its even more insulting, and I hold you in higher regard that than that!) see the earlier entry “The Service of Terms” for full explanation.

Well, anyway, I’m done ranting for today. I guess I’ll just wait till my wife gets home from work so I can ask her what we’re having for dinner.

*Ed note part deux: I do not condone anyone calling anyone racial slurs, I’m just not gonna use neu-speak in an effort to take away the pain associated with its use.


2 thoughts on “Post the Thirty-Seventh “Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics”

    • lucky for them I thought “Lord, thy Eternal God of Tranquility, goodness, and righteousness” was too hard to say with a soft pallet! 😉

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