If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. – Douglas Adams
I’m a fairly opinionated guy and for the most part I have no problems, ever, with voicing my opinions loudly and then wondering why everyone doesn’t hold the same opinion as me. This post will undoubtedly cause some people to take offense which is good, it means they’re reading!
The reason I bring this up now is I’m encountering more and more of this “Fur Baby” phenomena and I just don’t know how to equate to it without becoming angry.
Whats a “Fur Baby” you ask? To the best of my understanding its a pet: dog, cat, ferret, Richard Gere’s gerbil, whatever, that becomes a somewhat surrogate child in the eyes of its owner. Ok, no problem there, people get lonely and they want to have familiar connection with an object. I get that, I understand that. When its done to be cute, its cool. That’s not what I’m talking about though.
There’s a subset of the Fur Baby group coming out now that actually believes this nonsense. Again, its not the crazy old lady that claims her cat Morris is “just like my little boy Mordechai was before he married that shiksa whore” that I’m talking about.
I’m talking about seemingly normal people, well adjusted, nice, the kind of person you run into at the office and listen to how their day day is going for 2 minutes to be polite to before forgetting that they’ve worked at the same company as you for over 10 years, that believe with all of their might that “Toodles the Cat is just as human you and I and he loves me unconditionally”.
Wow, and I thought I was nuts! Where to start? How the hell can you compare an animal to a human baby?
1. Your Fur Baby wasn’t in your belly for nine months while your husband hysterically tried to rationalize that he was now going to be responsible for someone else besides himself for the rest of his life.
2. Should your Fur Baby die on delivery you’re not gonna fill out a death certificate and mourn the death, like you would say a normal non fur baby. And if you do, well, then you should continue doing what the voices in your head tell you, this whole blog means nothing and the great Zarniwoop will be coming for you soon to bring you into his Kingdom of Inflatable Mattresses.
3. I’ve been a Dad for almost 13 years, I can change a diaper in less than 30 seconds with one hand, try that shit with a dog or cat and see how many stitches are required.
4. Fur Baby in Pre-schools? Yeah, that’s what I need another thing slinging its own poo at one of my REAL KIDS.
5. Fur baby dating? Well, knowing the animal kingdom as I do the good news is you’re never going to have to “guess who’s coming to dinner”, more like what!
……but I digress. The problem I have is really the hubris of the matter. What do I mean? Firstly, animals do not love unconditionally. Their continued loyalty and like of you is predicated on your continued feeding of them. PERIOD. You croak and little Fido can’t get to its food….guess whats for dinner?
Secondly, as a ‘Rent, I’ve got real issues to deal with when it comes to the kids. How to raise them properly, how to heal their wounds when they fall down, how to make sure they know they are loved, how to pay for college…etc. Its insulting to us that are really raising kids that you have the hubris to compare our children to your pet. Unless, of course the kids a real looser on a leash or 35 years old and still at home, then I’m OK with it.